Wintry Update

Yesterday we awoke to the first snow of the season. It rained on Sunday, and when I walked Shadow before going to bed, the rain was like a very heavy mist. Sometime over night, the rain changed into snow, and we had a lovely light dusting.  I like nothing better than to sit in my plant room at the back of the house and watch the sun rise and sparkle among the frosty dust on the pines.  It was only a light dusting, but it made everyone feel like Christmas was finally here.

Last year, Pierre and Shadow tentatively explored the snowy world, but this year they raced outside with glee. They both seemed to remember all about snow – and snow fun! Shadow made dog-shaped snow angels, taking snow baths and using her muzzle like a shovel. She’d plunge her snout into the snow, then raise it, grinning at me from behind a snowy mask.

Pierre enjoyed stalking around the lawn through the snow. He’s discovered the bird feeder in the flower garden. He’s also learned that the slate-gray Juncos love marigold seeds. I’d forgotten to gather the marigold seeds from the plants flanking the main pathway in the flower garden, and now the birds are enjoying them. Pierre is enjoying the birds.  They’re too smart for him, and the crows end up dive-bombing him when they see him, which gives us a good laugh.  The other day the crows chased him back to the porch.  He came into the house and I made myself a cup of tea before heading back upstairs to my office to go back to work.  When I entered my office, he was sitting on top of the space heater staring out of the window and down into the garden, chortling, chattering and growling. I looked out the window and there were his nemesis, the crows, staring back at him from the garden.  I have a feeling this feud won’t be over any time soon….

I am feeling a sense of gratitude and rightness in my world at this time of year.  It’s been a year of loss, but I think of loss like pruning a tree or a shrub. Pruning encourages new growth. Sometimes life prunes us of things we love, and even people we love, so we can grow.  Pruning must hurt the plants, don’t you think?  It hurts us too.

Many things I loved that I left behind 15-20 years ago and thought I would never regain have found a place in my life again.  The garden, first and foremost….then my model horses, the miniature equine hobby that I have loved for as long as I can remember, but did not have the room or time to enjoy in my tiny apartment in New York. (Think of model horse collectors like people who like to make doll’s houses or model rail road set ups, only everything is about horses).  And now, my music.

Last night after choir practice, my friend Eni called me over to her car.  She had AJ’s keyboard in the back.  She said that he wanted me to have it.  I gratefully accepted it.  He had shown it to me when he first got it, but I could not remember it.  When I set it up last night, I felt a warm sense of gratitude, and another feeling of rightness, of puzzle pieces clicking back into place to make the whole picture of my life.  You see, I had to sell my piano 14 years ago when I moved.  We had no room for it in the house I moved into and although my sister offered to put it in her basement I just knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. I sold it to a Korean immigrant who bought it for his 10 year old daughter. I remember the look of joy on her face when she ran into the back room of my house, how she ran to it and hugged it.  That made me feel like I had done the right thing.  Several years after that, my sister’s basement flooded, and I knew without a doubt that if I had stored my beloved piano in her basement it would have been totally ruined.  So it went to someone who would love it and use it as much as I did and I hope it is giving someone else happiness now.

But now, as I unpacked AJ’s keyboard, that sense of rightness returned.  It has a full piano keyboard, and he had left it on Grand Piano setting.  I sat down and played through a really simple Baroque piece by Johann Schein. I’ve often joked that on a good day I sound lousy, and that is still very true.   But I felt such joy to sit and actually play again, no matter how bad it sounded, that I could only feel as if AJ were smiling at me from heaven. Eni joked that AJ would watch over me and make sure I practice; I joked back that I hoped he’d beg some talent from God for me.  It’s an odd feeling, to have a love for something but no talent for it; and I speak honestly.

But I can only describe the mingled joy, gratitude and pleasure I feel when I look at the keyboard as a sense of rightness; of puzzle pieces clicking back into place; of God bringing things back full circle into my life, working through friends to bring gifts back into my life.